My Thoughts

Miah, 

Just wanted to write all my thoughts down, so I don't forget anything that I want to say. 

I like you a lot and enjoy every single second I spend with you! I love your personality (way more sober and slightly buzzed, than DRUNK + High..lol), I like seeing you, and hearing your voice, i like touching you, kissing you, and just being around you in general. It makes me happy. I get excited every time your name pops up on my phone from either a text or a call.. Not even sure how we're even at where we are (or where I' am) at since we haven't really been talking for no time at all, things have moved FAST, I'm not complaining about that at all though. 

I feel like I should probably just keep my thoughts to myself, as this shit probably just makes everything weird and pushes you away.. BUT that ain't me. I am a real person, with real feelings, and feelings for you, so things need to be said and if there's consequences for it, then so be it. It'll just let me know it wasn't meant to be. 

I guess the 1st thing that I need to know is what you want, regarding me. Do you just want a fuck friend that you can come and see and get love from when it's convenient for you? Do you want more than that? If so what do you want? There is no wrong answers. Communication is key in any sort of relationship though, and i'm the type of person who needs clarity. I refuse to stay confused about anything. 

The other day on the bus REALLY confused the Fuck outta me. And me being in no sort of position to really say shit, I don't even know how to approach it. I'm not sure if you were intentionally playing some sort of game with me or what though, but you were showing me messages dudes send you to somehow prove that you just be ignoring them. Like the guy.. you was like "look, he's been messaging me for years, and I just ignore him" BUT then i see the message from you that says "You been trying to see me for 3 years, but never fall through" which i thought,, ok "that was kinda weird to show me" but whatever, it wasn't recent i don't think.. so i wasn't tripping.  But then at the very end of you scrolling I see your "Good Morning" with a little love emoji... Not gonna lie.. that bothered me. I'm thinking to myself, DAMN, She was  just with me the night before, and this dude getting lovey Good Morning texts.   That shit been bugging me for fucking dayyys now and still is. I don't even know how to process that shit. I feel hurt and disrespected, and wondering why you even pulled that up. Like is it to just let me know "Hey this is where we're at and take it or leave it". You can't tell me it was nothing but a good morning though, especially after saying you been ignoring him forever, that don't make any sense. So, when I say you're confusing... that's 1 thing. 

Then I'm confused by all the "My husband is a cheat" and this and that, and that's why you don't fuck with him anymore. But then you say, you were cheating on him long before you caught him (Confusing). If 1 dude ain't enough for you though, then I definitely ain't the right one. I have zero interest in sharing your heart, mind, body or anything else of yours with any other men.  You got him and your other dude constantly blowing your shit up, so I'm thinking to myself, damn, is this any sort of situation i should or want to even be involved in.

Then there's me touching on you and you pushing me away, which originally you said was because you were asleep and you're used to doing that to your husband. But you've done it to me multiple times now, and not asleep.. If that part isn't confusing enough, every single time you've done that, you've tried to reach down and start rubbing on me afterwards... to make it 10x more confusing...  I've not even been able to come up with any sort of even basic assumption of what's going on there, but I'd love to know.

When I'm with you, you're all affectionate, and sweet and lovey dovey n' shit, but then when you're gone, I feel like I'm just trying to get attention from someone who isn't very interested in me at all. I start feeling like damn, am I missing something here?  I text you and sometimes wait hours for a response. or you just respond with "wyd".  Or like today, you got disconnected from our video call, and  I'm sitting there for almost 3 hours before you even text me again. Had that been me and my phone died, I'd of at least texted you back rather soonish and said Hey, my phone died, i gotta charge it, i'll hit you in a few.

Besides Friday night when we just had to up and Leave Brandy n Kevin's, I feel like a HIGH priority when I'm with you in person and I love it! But then u gone, and so is that feeling. I start feeling LOW priority, I feel like I'm out of sight out of mind and that I'm being a bother for the most part, I HATE feeling like that. Whether you say I am being a bother or not, it's how I feel. I want to make sure you know and feel that you are a high priority to me at all times, but I gotta somewhat feel the same way. 

I understand that I don't have children, and I have a lot more free time than you do. Like i said before, you're not the first woman I've seen/talked to/ dated/ whatever that has had Kids. Almost every girl I've ever seen has had kids, so I do understand it's a job and I respect that. But I also know that it's not too much of a job for someone to also pay attention to me a bit and not having me feel like just some random dude too. 

When we're together you constantly pay attention to your phone/watch and texts n stuff, so it makes me feel some sort of way when I'm sitting there just forgot about or ignored it seems. Like a couple times, you text me "wyd". I responded. You get off messenger.  Your shit shows you on and off several times. Then you'll come back in another hour and ask me again "wyd". I'm like WTF?? It makes me feel like you clearly aren't interested, so why are you even asking? Then I start thinking like... Is she just doing that to like portray some sort of image that she's thinking about me, and that'll keep me content or something? Cuz in reality, it's working the opposite way.  

(Insert - You just did the same shit again and it makes me nuts..lol At 6pm you text me eyeballs emoji randomly. A minute later I text you a question mark, cuz i don’t understand wtf you looking at..lol Takes over an hour (after u popped on and off in the middle) to get another response back……. “Wyd”. ) 

I told you before, i treat people the way I like to be treated, and if that ain't happening, then I start treating them the way they treat me. If my communication changes to the way yours is getting, how do you think you and I will go? The 1st couple days we were talking you were on it, I would text you and instantly get replies, you weren't leaving me on read or waiting around or nothing. Something seemed like it changed, I just don't know what though, because unless I'm delusional or something, everything in person has been perfect.

I don't need constant attention all day, believe me I don't. I'm not trying to make you sick of me, and vice versa, nor feel like I need to know your every move, because I don't. But I feel like you could probably do a little better. If i'm worth it that is... this all goes back to me not even knowing what we're actually even doing though. If i'm nothing to you, then everything makes sense, and that's that.

I also don't want you feeling like you need to see me everyday. Or telling me what you think i want to hear, or just coming over to appease me or something. I do NOT want to burn you out on me, If you not feeling like seeing me, because you are tired, or you want to be with your kids, or you wanna go hang with your friends or whatever the case may be, say so. But don't tell me you miss me and you want to come over or hangout, and then either not, or just come over drunk and want to go to sleep, hours after you said you were going to come. Then you don't even remember half the things we say or nothing.. It makes me question things even more. Like does this girl really have any interest in me? Does she want to let me get any actual quality time with her?  It's Confusing!  Also, I don't want just a sex thing with you, I want to know everything about you, everything in your mind, and everything in your heart. I want to know YOU. 

You say you know what you bring to the table (You are the table… I loved that), but I also know what I bring. Love, respect, reliability, communication, trust, and honesty. I’m looking for the exact same in return whether it be from you, or the next person (if you and I  aren't looking for the samr thing). And I’m not trying to be cute or whatever, but just like you have plenty of dudes all up in your DM’s trying to get at you, mine aint too much different. Besides the amount.. You’re obviously a far hotter commodity than I am..lol The key difference is though, Noone is getting any sort of attention from me AT ALL. You are THE only one I currently have any interest in pursuing anything with, physically, mentally, emotionally or otherwise. But if the feeling isn’t mutual, I’d appreciate knowing so that we can just move on, in whichever direction that may be. I’m looking for a forever woman. I’m past all the part time playing around shit. Far past it. I want someone to share everything with, i want a child in the not too distant future, i want a best friend, wife material, a lover. And I want it all without any outside interference. I really won’t settle for anything less. So now is the part where I guess you need to let me know what it is you want or what you want to do, so that we can get on the same page. Sorry for the Novel, I wasn’t expecting it to be this long. 

There was some nice shit at the end of this letter, but i just deleted cuz you got me feeling some kind of way right now. Figure out what you want Miah, I ain't a toy though, you ain't gonna play with me and treat me like I'm meaningless. I don't want to hear any excuses.. just figure shit out.